HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

...when it comes.

By the way, the Forfar game is off already, so in the first week of 2010 there will be a look back at 2009, and the best ever Montrose XI on here, plus, a cup preview, depending on the weather (yet again).

Have a great night everyone, wherever you are.

Montrose Never-Quite-Weres-XI

Before I write up my final determinations on the best-ever Montrose XI, I thought I'd put together an intermediate-stage team, consisting of players who all looked as though they had a real chance to achieve "legend" status at some point in their time at Links Park but, who, in the end, faded away without delivering. Here they are:

1. Sandy Wood. Local lad signed amidst great media hullaballoo at the beginning of the Wolecki era, from Celtic. In his first few games Sandy oozed confidence and professionalism but the rot had set in by the beginning of the spring, with his handling in the air beginning to be suspect. By the end of 2005-6, it was clear his confidence, having made the tricky move from full to part time football, was shot to pieces, and he was kept out of the side by Andy Reid, signed in summer 2005 as Henry Hall's last first choice goalkeeper. Poor Sandy didn't regain his high standards during a two season spell at Faaarfir and he now seems to have drifted out of the game, concentrating instead on his law studies at university.

2. Steven "Chippy" Fraser. "Chippy" looked barely old enough to be in secondary school when he signed from the Perth Saintees, where he failed to make the grade. Comfortable on the ball and very determined, despite his slight build, he played at full back and in various places in midfield. Sluiced out as Black and Robertson drained Wolecki's lake, in the wake of that manager's departure, he had a brief spell at St. Andrews United in the juniors before disappearing to the US.

3. Ian Joy An American utility player signed from the Binos in the Sheran era, Joy looked like he could develop into a real asset- but made only a handful of appearances before securing a full time deal back in England. Later turned out for Chester and Kidderminster Harriers before going home. Talented, athletic, at Links Park all too briefly.

4. Darren Spink. A squad player even in Henry Hall's tiny squad of seven plus seven Perth Saintees on loan during 2004-5. Although some fans raised an eyebrow at his A*****th surname and footballing patrilineage, I always felt the adaptable Spink had bad luck at Links Park, and should have played far more often than he did. Looked very comfortable and assured in a few appearances at centre half at the end of that season, even although that was not his natural position. Drifted out of the game at the end of that term, when it became clear that a new deal would not be forthcoming, to concentrate on his ambitions to play cricket for Scotland. Sadly, that hasn't panned out for him, although until recently he was a high scoring batsman with A*****th United cricket club.

5. Neil Stephen. "Neilly" was a calm, ball playing centre half and very dependable in Henry Hall's time. Having signed as a surplus to requirements youth player form Dumpdee, he became a mainstay of the back line during 2004-6 before sloping off to the Fishy Jailers. It was a major mistake of Wolecki's to let him go so quickly, even if his face didn't seem to fit under the new regime. Later, "Neilly" had a brief return to Montrose before ending up in the Dundee juniors, although I'm not sure where (and if) he's playing now. An absolute gentleman off the park, too: I occasionally saw him around Dundee and he always made time to ask how things were going at the club.

6. Stuart Ferguson. "Fergie" would have played many more times for Montrose than he did, were it not for knees made from polystyrene. Seriously injured at least twice in a long spell at the club, when fit, he was a tenacious and hard working defender. A real club man, appointed as HH's last captain, he came to every game and kicked every ball during a long period of convalesence. After short spells at the Bridies and, tragically, the Maroon Malevolence, didn't work out, he has finished up at Tayport, alongside Barry Donachie and a couple of other decomissioned ex-Montrose hulks.

7. Kevin Webster. Webster really divided opinions in his time at the club. On his day, the former Scottish schoolboy international was a very destructive player with a wicked cross. He also had a free kick in him; an eighty ninth minute thunderbolt at Firs Park, to rescue a point after a dreadful performance, still lingers in the memory, leaving that scarcely literate "journalist" Gordon Parks to whine about "the wee blond guy from Montrose who did a Ronald Koeman" in his pisspoor Daily Ranger column. Sadly, as he would probably admit himself, on-form days only came around about half a dozen times a season. Still loathed by Berwick fans for a controversial goal in the Scottish Cup in 2003-4 (to be honest the great-great-grandchildren of that perpetually whining and pointlessly argumentative lot, will probably still be writing bitterly about it on the internet in 150 years time). Still denigrated by Forfar fans for a less than successful six months at Station Park, and blotted his copybook by turning out for the Red Schichties and trying to get one of our players sent off in a derby match. Now at No Fans Rangers where he will doubtless be very effective whilst playing well within himself-the summary of a wasted talent, sadly.

8. Greig Henslee. Few players have caused so much excitement when signing for Montrose, after Henslee joined in the summer of 2005. With A*****th fans hoping that Henslee would stay and captain their team in the second division, they didn't realise that the player had already signed at Links Park. Played all over the place by a skeptical Henry Hall- from right back to centre forward- he netted an early hat-trick against the Shire but things began to tail off for him around the turn of the year. Left the club shortly after Jim Weir arrived, in unhappy circumstances, to rebuild his career in New Zealand. It's not totally impossible that he will return to LP one day, and a focused and problem-free Henslee would be an asset to any lower league team.

9. Martin Wood. A strong, quick, skilful centre forward noted for scoring spectacular goals, none more so than a dipping missile after a lightning quick turn on the edge of the area, at Cliftonhill, to wrap up a late 2-1 win in spring 2005. Wood's problem was his temperament- he always seemed in a bad mood whilst playing, and had very little time for less taleneted team mates. His contribution in a 1-4 defeat at Raydale Park in spring 2005 summed him up: having scored an absolute snorter of an opening goal to silence the plastic multitude of flag-waving Gr£tna "fans", he then missed a much easier chance to put us 2-0 up, and lost the ball in midfield, leading to their equaliser, just before half time. The second half was spent bellowing "at's fuckin brutal" as Euan Hall and Matt Slater failed to reach him with passes as his work rate dropped through the floor. Was seen at Links Park two seasons ago, looking much trimmer and hungrier after his spell at the Fishy Jailers ended, but sadly he wasn't re-signed, and he drifted off to finish his career- unfulfilled and far too early- at Marty Allan's pisspoor Keith.

10. Chris Ogboke. Having clattered in a hat-trick for the reserves during the Bervie Chipper era, big Chris looked like he might be the answer after two or three seasons of barren shot shy Montrose sides. Unfortunately, as so often happens, never reached that level of performance when it mattered in the first team; his talent was obvious, but never realised in a sequence of erratic displays. Turned junior in Aberdeen, had a trial with Blyth Spartans in England, which didn't come to anything, and returned again to playing for the likes of Culter and Hermes. Still plying his trade at that level now.

11. James Russell. Russell's performance in a 3-1 defeat of Jim Moffat's Bores of the Season was one of the stand out performances by a Montrose winger in the last decade. Having calamitously given away the ball for the Bores opener in the first half, he went postal in the second, producing a high tempo display of running, beating men and crossing that the creaking and statuesque Methil defence simply could not cope with. Laid three goals on a plate- two scored by "Foxy" Fotheringham, the other by Henslee- as Montrose ended up winning 3-1 with great ease. Having shown he had real ability, Russell declined to really show it again, dropping out of the side in spring time and fading away to the juniors that summer. A much portlier Russell is now Broughty Athletic's star player in the East Region Division Seven or whatever- had he been bothered, he could have played at a much, much higher level.

Manager Henry Hall. HH took over from John Sheran, as Montrose rapidly imploded at the beginning of 2003-4, after a soul-destroying 2002-03. Were seasons done by calendar years instead of from August-May, we would have gone up in 2004, as HH masterminded a remarkable recovery after Sheran's acrimonious departure. 2004-5 wasn't a bad season, in a league where Gr£tna and the Fishy Jailers bought promotion; we finished fifth, just outside of what was the become the play offs. Sadly, HH's flaws became apparent in that close season; he wasn't much interested in anything but coaching, having failed to realise that being a modern manager is much more than that. Players increasingly tired of his hackneyed training sessions and stopped turning up. Moreover, his haphazard transfer policy saw us start 2005-6 with a quite ridiculous squad of three goalkeepers, fourteen midfielders, and Willie"that's my goal for this season" Martin. Given his jotters after a truly apocalyptic 2-6 gubbing at Ochilview in November 2005, the straw that broke the very depressed camel's back. HH was a good coach, and a decent man, but gave the impression of being unable to comprehend, let alone adapt, to the fundamental changes sweeping football in the new century. Hasn't worked as a manager since, although he can still be seen at junior games, and does a bit of scouting.

Sometime in the next day or so I'll put up a Faaarfirr preview, and, if it doesn't go ahead, my best-ever Montrose XI

Moskvitch Weather Means Football Unlikely

Greetings readers! As I write this, I can see the River Tay from my living room window; it has ice floes on it which aren't breaking up. We got over a foot of snow here on Boxing Day night, and it's not going anywhere. It was minus sixteen at 0800hrs and it's about minus 5 now. It makes driving a nightmare: a simple five minute journey becomes a foul mouthed half hour assault course, whilst the same journey on foot is a slippy-slidey lottery. The only vehicle appropriate for this weather is a Moskvitch, and there are hardly any of those left outside of Russia.

I'm not sure where this catastrophic freeze came from, as the weather until mid-December was, well, blander than a Kenny G album. The net result is that we may be idle for a few weeks. With temperatures as low as minus 6 predicted for the second of January, prospects for the keenly awaited jarring of antlers with The Queen's Own Loyal Faarfir Household Bridies seems very unlikely- plastic can withstand downpours but not, it would seem, frost and ice. Moreover, there must already be some doubt about the jaunt to face Edinburgh City the weekend after in the Cup. At the best of times, the Meadowbank "pitch" is gloopier and more free of grass than liquid meringue mixture, and the chances of that wretched surface surviving a hardening of its arteries from the current conditions are zero.

All of which is extremely chafing. I'm not the only one who's been looking forward to these games for ages. The Bridies game, even before Fester's brutal tabloid kebabbing, had all the makings of a New Year classic encounter, whilst our first game of any kind against the Citizens for sixty years is a real prospect to savour. I fully expect a nerve shredding ninety minutes against them, with the stakes (Airdrie or Alloa away, probably) potentially being very high; in the near unthinkable circumstances in which we lose that one, there is at least the palliative prospect of an evening spent face down and a stranger to reason in the capital's boozers/nightclubs.

The alternative to these dates now seems to be some pisspoor January midweek date at a really inconvenient, gate-halving and distinctly non-Festive time. But, this cold front just does not seem to want to go away, so it looks like, sadly, we'll have to get used to a couple of football free weekends, in what is normally the busiest time of the football calendar. :( With nothing really to write about on the park, there will be a couple of longer articles on this blog in the next week or so, the first of which is coming right up after this post.

Worst all-time Montrose XI

Warming to the theme of "Worst-Ever" started in my recent post, Maxi and I worked out an XI of doom over a curry, after the game at Hampden on Saturday. Whilst slanted towards recent times- since I came back from Wales in 2004- there are some players here from further back that still send an ice cold globule of sweat trickling down the spine. Here we go:

1. Stuart McKenzie Stuart could stop a shot but had the aerial prowess more normally associated with a balsa wood model plane in a gale. Terrified of crosses, bullied in his six yard box, and a kicking ability little better than the elderly "Fingers" Butter in the last stages of his career. Maxi suggested Michael "the Human Skittle" Hankinson, but I thought that was harsh- Hanky was similarly disastrous in the air but all he needed was a run of games to get his confidence up. He had that at the beginning of 2004-5, before being mysteriously dropped for no apparent reason by HH, after a 2-3 defeat at Balmoor. Hanky was a great shot stopper and not bad in a one-on-one situation-certainly better than the hapless McKenzie, by some distance. Sadly, these days, Hanky is turning out as an outfielder in Dundee amateur football.

2. Stuart Cumming Cumming was an unfortunate combination; a huge opinion of his own importance, in inverse proportion to his actual ability. Having put in the odd okay shift at Hellgin, he was even better reknowned for starting completely baseless rumours about the likes of WBA being interested in signing him. At Links Park, he occasionally reached the dizzying heights of w-a-a-a-a-a-a-shhhh, but that was in only half a dozen games- the rest of his "appearances" didn't see him hit even that standard. Now realising his true potential at Morfartine, after Buckfast Thistle took a brief look at him, then bombed him out for being shite.

3. Jered Stirling Simply godawful. Stirling had more clubs than an Inuit seal-hunter, and was the archetypal lower league journeyman. A bombscare at both left back and centre half, Stirling was slower than a unicycle with a flat tyre, and he had the unerring ability to hit thirty yard passes straight to an opposition player. The worst player by some distance in Davie Robertson's calamitously dreadful outfit, Black and Robertson soon tired of his ineptitude and showed him the door.

4. Graham Hay What happened here? When Wolecki signed the virulently tattoed "Hayzer" on loan from Dumpdee in January 2006, he really looked a player- for about forty five minutes. After that, any ability and confidence slipped away like sand in an hour glass. By the end of the season was a one-paced, non tackling embarrassment, kept out of the side by a seventeen year old. Now playing for Lochee United.

5. Kargara Lord Ndiwa signed at a time when when anyone who could walk in a straight line, write their own name without help and sit through the video of the 1985 title winning triumph without yawning, was offered a deal. Certainly, the Congolese player was the most exotically named ever to wear a Montrose shirt but he was a poor, poor footballer. Recruited from English non league, with a murky and brief spell in Sweden also to his name, Ndiwa was handily based in South London and flew up to take part in games. His fourth return ticket on easyjet, quite rightly, was his last, and he slipped back into the nether regions of the Ryman League.

6. Andy Cargill Another funny one, this. Red Schichties fans swear blind that Cargill was their player of the season in the first division, under Baikie, dominating midfields with ease and scoring wonder goals along the way. By the time he hit Montrose, Cargill appeared overweight and decidedly disinterested. His "performance" up against the mobile and skilful JP McBride in a 0-3 home defeat to Stenny must rank as one of the worst displays of all time by a Montrose midfielder, as the ex-Celtic man waltzed around him all game in his carpet slippers. Unsurprisingly, was rapidly shown the door by Wolecki after he took over. Cargill still showed the odd glimpse of his talent with us but, infuriatingly, just couldn't be bothered using it. A real waste.

7. Benny Andrew Allegedly a "winger" and "forward" still held in high regard by East Fife fans. A roly poly, slow, disinterested shambles of a player, who struggled to cross his bathroom unaided, when he signed for Kevin Drinkell's Montrose.

8. Bradley Lowe I feel a bit bad about this inclusion as Bradley "starred" for the first team when I was away from town. i am reliably informed by many different Montrose fans that he re-defined awful in his appearances for John Sheran's first team, with these fans insisting that Lowe's lack of pace and ability, coupled with a heart the size of a pea, would have seen him struggle to make an impression in the Welfare League. Bradley's senior career pretty much ended when his father left the club, confirming the nepotist suspicions which had long hardened in the minds of many. Withering, irate, scarcely coherent postscripts on Bradley's "performances" nearly melted down the old Mo Mo Super Mo messageboard during his time at the club.

9. Jon Voight When he signed in the summer I tried to be as positive as I could. Voight had been an absolute disaster with A*****th, with one fan on Pie & Bovril dismissing him as "the worst senior player I've ever seen, bar none. Missed an open goal from four yards out whilst with the Maroon Malevolence and packed off to Carnoustie Panmure after that polecat McGlasham gave up on him ever getting any better. Scored goals in the East Region Premier Division, but sadly never looked like scoring goals in his handful of appearances for us. Leaden footed, idle, all the vision of a man with a white stick, and all the confidence of a stammering plooky fourteen year old asking a girl for a dance at a school disco. Shudder.

10. Iain McLeod With Wolecki obliged to slash the budget and pay players not much more than £50 per week, McLeod was recruited, in desperation, from Dundee North End, having last played senior about five or six seasons previously. It showed. Freed after a miserable six months of relentless anonymity, he now manages James Russell and Bobby "I'm 83!!!" Brown at Broughty Athletic

11. Stefan Winiarski Benny Andrew's even less effective and more useless former East Fife team-mate- a grandstanding disaster of a utility midfielder- equally bad in whichever role he was asked to fulfil.

Manager: Kevin Drinkell. Drinkell was simply an awful manager. The fact that, during one game at Shielfield Park, he was smoking a fag and watching the Old Firm game in the Borderers social club, ten minutes before kick off, without bothering to address his players, exemplifies the kind of fully committed, passionate engagement with the job that chcarcterised his reign. The gentlemanly and old fashioned chairman Paton gave him far too long to fail in the job, and he delivered richly, finally being garotted after successive 0-6 defeats at the beginning of (00-01) I think. Even in a decade of largely dreadful failures in the dugout- Leishman, Dornan, Campbell- Drinkell stood out for his all round lack of ability. That team in the hideous red white and blue abstract squiggles, under Drinkell's "command", would be enough to send even the most committed diehard scuttling to Catser's for a stiff drink and sanctuary.

Contribute!

Have I missed someone? Do you think Benny Andrew was a great player and are you outraged by his inclusion here? Contribute in the comments section below. And, just to show that this organ is not the vituperative salt-mine of poisonous negativity that many claim it is, the next entry, assuming the Faaaaaaaaaarfirr game is off, will be Montrose's best all time XI- in my opinion, of course.

Merry Christmas!

Gable End Graffiti is now off for its Christmas holidays. I'm not going to Elgin, although, if the weather continues in its current run of freezing form, no one else will be, either. If the game goes ahead, it will be the first game I've missed since the hugely unjust defeat to Uncle "I once sang the Fields of Athenry, honest" Fester's shock troops on August 22nd. Back then, I had the reasonable excuse of being in Serbia, this time, I'll be in sunny Glasgow.

The next update will be a rambling post-Yuletide dissertation on any of the games that beat the Boxing Day freeze (prediction: none), and a cranking up of the temperature ahead of the visit of The Queen's Own Loyal Faaarfir Household Bridies, on January the 2nd. Also, before then, there will be a review of 2009, and a brief look back over the 100+ posts in this ivy-covered rural cyber-pillar box.

So, to all you loyal readers, a very Merry and Happy Christmas 2009.

Worst Start since 1955-56

There's an interesting stat in today's Scottish Tory round up (remember to look at the Twitter site for today's media links). This season is officially our worst since the legendarily abysmal season of 1955-56. Back then, the old "C" Division had been abandoned (cup opponents Edinburgh City relinquished league membership as a result, if I remember rightly) and Montrose along with one or two other smaller clubs were re-admitted into Division Two. A calamity of near unimaginable dimensions resulted. Here's our record from that season:

Montrose 36 4 3 29 44 133 −89 11

We finished in nineteenth place, fifteen points adrift of the second bottom Red Schichties.

Our current record reads as follows:

Montrose 17 0 6 11 9 29 -20 6

I very much doubt we'll conceded over 100 goals in our last nineteen games, mind, but this is sobering reading.

Queen's Park (1) 3-2 (0) Montrose

Absolutely freezing conditions in Glasgow yesterday. The start of this game was delayed by a snap blizzard which left the players warming up for longer than usual, as referee Richmond waited to see how the weather played out. In fact, the game didn't start until quarter past three, and it was played with a strange highlighter-pen fluorescent yellow ball.

The blizzard abated and the game began. Manager Tweed had resisted the temptation to include Tomana, and new trialist Paul Tosh started the game in the no. 9 shirt. Alan Campbell dropped to right back in the absence of Fraser Milligan, allowing Hegarty to continue in the middle of the park. In their blue tops, the boys lined up: McNeil, Campbell, Sinclair, Crighton, Tweed, Davidson, Watson, Hegarty, Tosh (Trialist), Nicholas, Anderson.

Queen's Park adapted quicker to the arctic conditions and took the lead through McBride on ten minutes. Some neat passing down the left wing saw McBride, lurking fifteen yards out, receive the ball unmarked. Crisply, he despatched a well struck right foot drive into the top right hand corner of the goal, leaving poor McNeil helpless. 1-0.

Montrose tried to get back in the game but it quickly became apparent that Hegarty, in particular, was having what could charitably be described as a howler in the middle of the park. Of course, everyone is allowed an off day and Heggy's performances this season have bought him more than a little wriggle room. However, he looked lethargic and off the pace yesterday and his distribution was absolutely pitiful. Sadly, Watson alongside him had one of his poorer games, too. About half way through the first half, the ball scuttled across the area and, three yards out, the midfielder somehow failed to hit the target, blasting wide.

The first half was a sclaffy and low quality affair which lingered little even in my addled memory. However, as the temperature plummeted, the second half picked up. Montrose offered little going forward, but Paul Tosh spent most of the half desperately trying to apply jump leads to our flat and rusty battery. The gangling trialist had a very good touch and range of passes and there was a hint or two that he might link up well in the future with Stevie Nic.

Queens' went two up after the hour- a drive from the edge of the area, after good build up play, eluding McNeil and again bulging the roof of the net. What was a little upsetting was that, after that goal, the players' heads dropped and they seem to accept defeat. Tosh kept working the jump leads and finally produced a spark eight minutes from time. receiving the ball, isolated, on the edge of the area, he turned away from his marker and in a giant personal pincer movement suddenly twisted the other way and chipped the advancing Hamilton, the ball nestling in the back of the net. 2-1, and a fine piece of skill and vision from the man blackballed by No Fans Rangers.

QP were determined not to let their lead slip though, and almost scored immediately from the re-start, McNeil making a block. A minute later they did go 3-1 up after another fine move saw McBride complete a brace from the edge of the six yard area with a low, clean finish. By this stage, Daryl Nicol had been introduced and, given his recent record, few expected much when a panicky clearance fell to him twenty five yards out, at a forty five degree angle to the near post. With the QP defence backing off, Daryl dropped his shoulder and unleashed a firecracking meteroite of a shot that nearly tore the roof of the net off its stanchion- I don't think Hamilton in the home goal really saw it. No one would have believed that the confidence-shot little forward had that in him, and it was worth the entrance fee in its own right. A shame the goal didn't really matter when he scored it but, nonetheless, this is definitely a major candidate for Montrose goal of the season.

This report may seem a little patchy, but there's no point in the usual rambling fifteen thousand word dissertation, as sometime next week highlights of the game will be up on the excellent QP Highlights site- it'll be worth keeping an eye on that to see Daryl's goal when the game is uploaded. In summary, QP deserved their win yesterday, as they passed the ball better than us, and were dominant in the middle of the park. Frustratingly, Montrose looked extremely disjointed between midfield and the front two, and, as a consequence, never really mounted the sustained threat to the home goal which we had all expected. We did score two excellent individual goals, but both of these came at a time of the game when we seemed to have accepted defeat.

When will we ever win a league game again? Six points from seventeen matches is an absolute embarrassment and, with this freezing weather expected to last all week, next week's game at Borough Briggs looks in doubt- I'll be amazed if a tropical sub weather system in Morayshire makes it go ahead. As a result, we are likely to welcome Fester's first footers on January 2nd, still without a win to our name.


Man of the Match: For me it was Sean Crighton. The centre half had a dip in form in the autumn but yesterday he was back to his commanding best with some fine blocks and tackles, and very decent distribution. I was also pleasantly surprised by the contribution of Paul Tosh: he put in the most effective shift that anyone has in a no. 9 shirt for Montrose this season.

Crowd: The official figure was 397, of which seven were backing Montrose. I suspect the spinechilling Stalingrad-type conditions, and the imminence of Christmas, took about a hundred off the gate.

Twitter: So twittercasting started, hope those of you who kept half an eye on them as the afternoon progressed enjoyed them. Sorry for the lack of updates in the first half. Most of you will not know, but I am diabetic, and a hypoglycaemic attack produced a first half experience, akin to watching the game whilst on LSD. Montrose is a surreal enough experience most Saturdays to preclude the use of mind-altering chemicals, and happily I was able to resume some kind of freezing normality in the second half. I think with a few more people signing up I will keep doing them, the next "far flung" away game being Stranraer on January 16th.

Twitter's pretty good though for things like media updates. In future, I won't do any more media updates on this blog, but will link directly onto twitter, so you can read them yourselves, without the usual bombastic rhetorical gloss from me.

Edinburgh City's Spy: A man cam over to us yesterday and introduced himself as being an official with our cup opponents, Edinburgh City. He suggested that all Montrose fans will be welcome in the City Social Club, at 7-8 Baxter Place, Edinburgh, on the day of the cup tie itself. The link takes you to a map of the City social club's location.

Gable End Graffiti on Twitter

Yes, that's right. Twitter.

I've always been very skeptical of Twitter myself, failing to see the point of micro blogging ephemeral updates from the lives of absolute nobodies ("I just took a shit LOL", "OMG I is pissed...", "Bludy central heating broke down and I am freezing :(", "Feeling low today an listenin 2 Mariah Carey 'gain..."). Frankly, I'd rather live my life rather than spend it reading about anonymous others "living" theirs in real time on-line. Apparently, however, this makes me a crusty old retired colonel with Brown Windsor soup in his moustache, in internet terms. Sites like twitter and the less well known tumblr are allegedly at the whitest-hot point of what is called "Web 2.0", i.e. an internet ever more interactive and user-defined.

However, twitter does have other functions, in that it allows for things like live match updates from places like Hampden. So, I'm going to trial it on Saturday and see if there's much interest. Obviously, I'm well aware that most folk have better things to do with the Saturday afternoon before Christmas, than sit glued to a computer waiting for some anonymous scribe to paint a bleak picture of the latest sclaff, when well placed, in less than 140 characters. But, if there is enough interest, I will repeat this service again in future, from far flung away games when there's no supporters' bus going.

"Follow" Gable End Graffiti, and the match on Saturday, by subscribing to this link. If you can't be affed signing up to twitter, follow the game on the sidebar here (just in between the Blog Archive and Montrose Links sections.) And, I promise, there will be no updates concerning my alcohol intake or bowel movements. Don't say I'm not good to you.

Spiders Preview

So, as the nation's shoppers collectively claw their faces off trying to secure the last Christmas bargain, and buy enough food to weather an invasion and occupation by the Red Army, at least two Montrose fans will be heading for the National Stadium to see if the club can finally win at the seventeenth time of asking, this Saturday. Back in April, few imagined that, having seen Montrose convincingly beat two of the third division's soon-to-be-promoted sides -the Miners and Stenny- convincingly, that we would have to subsist on starvation rations this season. However, it's not quite time for the end of year review quite yet, so that's enough of this paragraph.

Since being cheered on to a slightly fortunate 2-1 win back on a Tuesday in October, by twenty portly Bucky-addled truants, the Spiders have improved slightly after a poor start to the season. They have progressed from being reliably awful, to consistently inconsistent. They followed up their scarcely deserved triumph in Montrose with a hugely unexpected victory over the Wee Rovers at Cliftonhill, 1-0; a further victory was secured by the same scoreline, against the Shire at Hampden, in addition to points at difficult venues such as Shielfield, and Stair Park, last weekend. However, one never knows when the Gentleman Pipe Smoking Amateurs will blast a stinking flatulent gust of rank-rottenness in the face of their own fans. On their site, very good highlights of each game are available- have a look at their 0-3 home defeat to Hellgin Academy Sixth Form, the single worst performance by any third division side I've seen this season, and I include our early league showings in that. Perhaps more excusable, they have also endured depressingly one sided reverses to The Most Hated Franchise in Scotland, in both league and cup.

Although the Spiders have been getting slowly better, in the manner of a recovering convalescent, consultant-head-coach Gardner Spiers has yet to fully convince the fans. On the lively Spiders Talk messageboard, the younger and more hot headed elements of the home faithful have regularly either called for the coach's head on a liveried Queen's Park dinner plate, or at least severely doubted his tactical "acumen". Those with a little more experience, of the drought years under Eddie Hunter, Hugh McCann and Graeme Elder, or indeed the downright catastrophic tenure of Kenny Brannigan, stick more to the gentlemanly traditions of the club, refusing to call for Spiers to step aside on point of principle (presumably any protest by them takes a gentler and less direct form, such as blackballing Spiers' application to the local golf club, failing to raise their bowler hat as they pass him on the street, or ostentatiously coughing into their napkin as he gets up to deliver a speech at a charity dinner).

The sticking point is Queen's failure to score regularly. Expensive carpets have been chewed across Mount Florida owing to Spiers' insistence on playing loan striker Paul Quinn out wide, instead of through the middle. Quinn scored at Links Park, but apparently he would have had a lot more if only the coach would listen to the fans. Certainly, with just thirteen goals in the league this season, all is not well in the amateurs' forward line.

That said, the Spiders have a decent enough squad for this league. I was deeply unimpressed with goalkeeper Scott Black at Links Park, who handled the ball in the manner of an inexperienced juggler handling one skittle too many, and hope that, in the unlikely event that he plays, we can put a bit of pressure on him in the six yard box- the man is hapless with high balls raining down on top of him under the crossbar. Spiers seems to recognise he has a problem here, as he recently signed Scotland's amateur international goalkeeper as "competition" for Black. And, that "competition", someone called Peter Hamilton, who by day is a Chemistry genius, has started the last four games.

In defence, Richard Sinclair and Ricky Little are familiar names- Little has only recently finished a spell with the Harry Wraggs. In midfield, Tony Quinn, who puts the "clog" in "clogger", has his "efforts" finessed by the likes of Capuano and Martin McBride. In summary, these are a team to be respected, rather than feared.

What are our prospects? Who knows. We have only this and the game up at Borough Briggs against the unfathomable Hellgin Academy Sixth Form left, in order to avoid the rank embarrassment of heading into the New Year without a win to our name- comfortably the worst start we have ever made to a season within living memory, and the worst start made by any side to a league campaign since the inception of the third division. The curious thing is that this Montrose side have enjoyed a better and more consistent support from the fans, during these lean times, than teams which were allegedly "better" on paper (I'm thinking of late-era Sheran, late-era Henry Hall). Back then, some players on decent money just weren't trying, a capital offence in the eyes of any fan. What we have here I a manager trying his absolute hardest to make some impact with a very weak hand in the game of poker that is a football season. The fans can also see- even although the results are sometimes *incredibly* frustrating- that the players are really giving their all for that manager. Colleagues at work recently have asked me what on earth is going on at Links Park, and laughed with disbelief when the mantra of We're-Playing-Well-But-Not-Getting-Any-Breaks is trotted out for the umpteenth time.

It's likely that we'll be bottom of the pile this year, and some fans are already mentally trading a comfortable win against Edinburgh City in the Cup, for just a couple of draws and decent performances in the league, in the next few weeks. As far as Saturday goes, I hope we're really direct. The key for me this weekend is the role played by the Slovak magician. Marek Tomana has looked really out of sorts in the last month or so- detached from the other players, miserable, and frustrated at being left on the sidelines. I'd give him the responsibility behind Nicholas and Gemmell on Saturday, to co-ordinate and drive forward our attacks, feeding Anderson wide left to get the ball in on top of the butter fingered Black's head. Tomana was comfortably our best player against the amateurs at Links Park, and this is his sort of game- big open spaces, an opponent that likes to get the ball down, pass and play the game properly. Being honest, i can understand why he's been left out against big physical sides like Stevie Crawford's Fife Home for the Elderly and Annan Agricultural, as they were not his kind of games (you can just see the opposition manager informing his hammer throwers at centre half to get stuck intae that wee shite beforehand). I feel that if Marek is given responsibility, and told to go and play the way he can, he will recover some of his old self, and we could really be doing with him back and firing on at least six of his eight cylinders.

We have nothing to lose from this match. if we lose, or draw, no one will notice- same old from Montrose. If we win, though, we will make people sit up and take notice for the briefest of moments before collapsing in a helpless octopus of laughter, whilst pointing in the direction of QP. Stick Tomana in behind a front two of Gemmell and Nicholas, both ex-Spiders, and one of them's bound to score against his old club, no? With Anderson out wide, and our midfield and defence looking increasingly settled, we should be approaching this as a winnable game.

Whatever happens, you can read about it here probably sometime on Saturday night, or maybe even more probably on Sunday.

Gable End Graffiti Player of the Season 2009-10

It's time to give you an update on the state of play with the GEG Player of the Season League table so far, for 2009-10. The inaugural winner of this highly prestigious award was Graeme Sharp in 2004-5, and I think Henslee won it in 2005-6. After that, like this blog, the award went into abeyance, but we're awarding it again this season. The astonishing, and much sought after prize, is a drink of the winner's choice to be bought at the end of the season players' do. Sharp went for a long vodka or a vodka and tonic, as I remember, whilst Henslee went straight for a pint.

In a season as terrible as this, the term Player of the Season might seem as redundant as awards such as Afghan Church Organist of the Year or the Swiss Navy Navigator of the Year. However, those of you with the stamina and low boredom threshold necessary to navigate your way across the churning seas of turgid verbiage, vomited on here every weekend, will notice an award for a Man of the Match, and one or two other players in the close but no cigar category.

Two points are awarded for a Man of the Match Award, and one point for an "Honourable Mention". And, after incredibly complex mathematical calculations made by GEG's own supercomputer, Hankinson, the results so far come up as follows:

8 Points

Aaron Sinclair

7 points

Andy McNeil, Marek Tomana

6 points

Paul Watson

5 points

Fraser Milligan

4 points

Sean Crichton, "Scooby" Davidson

2 points

John Gemmill, Sean Fleming, Steven Coutts

1 point

Steven Tweed, John Maitland

So, Aaron in the lead after growing hugely as a player in the first part of the season. If Marek is *really* retuning home, then he's going to drop out of the running, leaving keeper Andy McNeil and Paul Watson as the main challengers. If Fraser Milligan can stay fit, he could be an outside dark horse candidate.

I'll update you again on the progress of this hugely prestigious award, on a very wet Sunday afternoon in March.

Third Division & Angus Round-Up

Happy tidings for the Bridies have been hard to come by this season, but yesterday's 2-1 victory for them at the yellow plastic pustule of Almondvale can only gladden the hearts of most neutrals. The Full-Time-Taxpayer-Funded Franchise have been on a long unbeaten run, and few gave Fester's men any hope of winning yesterday. However, that big oaf Gibson had them in front after just two minutes, and although Andrew "simulation" Halliday hit an equaliser midway through the first half, the Cheating Perpetually Whining Frankenteam could not batter their way to a victory, as they had done in previous home games. Alas, for them, Tulloch (!) netted a winner deep into injury time, leaving the loathsome 5p in the pounds no chance to fashion an equaliser. I'd love to say that this is a start of a slide down the table for Gary Bollan and his weird farrago of arrogant no-marks, but, sadly, it's likely only to be a temporary blip on their way to the title- winning promotion only to go bust, yet again, sometime next year, and finally, hopefully be thrown out of football for good.

Sadly, what should have been a happy Sunday morning of enjoyable reading for Faaaarrfirrr fans has been rather undermined by a front page scandal. And it's none other than Fester himself who has shat in the Bridies handbag, with the poor man having been done like a kipper by the vulpine News of the Screws. The Screws has exclusive footage of Fester leading sectarian chants with the Rangers fans in Seville on Tuesday last, and I'll be surprised if he survives this imbroglio. Given that Fester subsequently lied about the incident to journalists, we have a crime count of sectarian fuckwittery + deceit, matters on which the Station Park board are likely to take an extremely dim view. We shall see.

With The Most Hated Club in Scotland subsiding to a long overdue defeat, the battle between second and third at Shielfield assumed an added significance. We've lost to both the Shire and the Borderers in recent weeks, with very little to choose between the two teams. Shire have perhaps the better of the two squads, and it showed on the park yesterday. The Larbert squatters held off a pisspoor and feeble attacking display from the home team, which faded into non-existence after the withdrawal of the injured Alan Brazil. Simon Lynch's goal was enough to secure all the points for Shire who, if they find a bit of consistency, are rapidly positioning themselves as the only team to seriously challenge the pre-eminence of the plastic permanently-indebted West Lothian joke. As for the Borderers, they're not out of the title race yet, six points off the top, but it's looking more likely that they will be making a play off appearance now after losing this crucial game.

Both other matches, of very little interest and watched by virtually no fans, finished 1-1; at Cliftonhill between the Wee Rovers and Hellgin Academy Sixth Form, and at freezing Stair Park where the Spiders were pegged back by the Stena Sealink Works XI, after taking an early lead.

Angus

Faarfir, as already noted, take the plaudits for masterminding an unlikely victory this weekend- the only team from the county to do so. Indeed, we managed the only other point, as our dear neighbours lost down the cost at Castle Greyskull in a hilarious see-saw match.

Weir has been girning all week in the papers about his injury crisis, and indeed was forced to name himself on the bench yesterday- a scenario thought unimaginable when he took the "job". Little surprise then that his awful cloggers endured a calamitous first half against the championship-chasing Binos, who strolled to a hilarious 3-0 interval lead. Hopes were raised of a San Marino-style cricket score, but unfortunately the Stirling club put on their carpet slippers and lit a pipe at half time, allowing the preposterously dreadful Maroon Malevolence back into it at 3-3. Alas for Weir and his volcanic temper! Just as he seemed through sheer willpower to have steered the rusting maroon sloop into a safe coastal inlet with a point intact, a brutal late torpedo from Michael Mullen sent the bad ship Smokie straight to the bottom with the loss of all hands. It was a delicious late twist worthy of Roald Dahl himself, and it really is hard to think of a more deserving recipient. The only slight annoyance was that the Bully Wee couldn't hold on for a draw at Ochilview, and send the Beetroot-Hued Laughing Stock to the bottom of the table whilst they were about it.

Finally, Retch-in slithered down the spine of Scotland to Clackmannanshire to take on the Wasps. In a fairly drab game, things didn't get going until the final fifteen minutes, with the home team scoring twice before McAllister's last-gasp consolation. All of this adds up to another frustrating awayday for the Village People from which they, yet again, emerge pointless. How many more soul destroying away defeats will the Hedge Park board absorb, before reaching for the ceremonial samurai sword above the board room fireplace, in preparation for a "frank discussion" with Jim Duffy after training?

Next Updates

Probably, there will be a media review tomorrow, and later on in the week a Spiders preview. I'm 90% certain to be there next Saturday, but after the report and round up from that game, there's likely to be a short "winter shutdown" on here. I'm definitely ruled out of the Boxing Day adventure in Hellgin, the first game I'll have missed since mid-August, but I'll be back with a new quill pen, and pot of sarcastic black ink, for the season-defining first fortnight in January; at home to Faaarfirrr, and away in the Cup at the Concrete Lavvypan.

Montrose 0-0 Annan Athletic

A very cold, clear afternoon at Links Park today. The fog which has been lingering about in the last seventy hours was predicted by the forecasters to wreak havoc today, and I'm not sure that those of us who made it to Links Park should be thankful that they were wrong.

Change is afoot it would seem at Links Park. John Gemmell is absent with a back injury, and today's Courier had it that Paul Tosh is bound for Links Park. However, any deal wasn't done in time, so he didn't feature today. Instead, Stevie Nicholas, still listed as a "trialist", has signed a deal for the next couple of months. Nicholas started up front, and a clearly struggling Fraser Milligan started in his usual right sided role. Jim Moffat was also absent in the dugout for personal reasons, so the under 19 coaches came in for the game; on the bench was a youngster from the under-17 team, Martin Boyle. In blue, the lads lined up: McNeil, Hegarty, Sinclair, Campbell, Tweed, Crichton, Milligan, Davidson, Nicholas, Watson, Anderson.

Montrose attacked the Beach End in the first forty five minutes. In the first half, we passed the ball about pretty well as Annan started sluggishly. Watson was particularly prominent in the middle of the park, but both Annan centre halfs were in an uncompromising mood, too. The first real chance fell to Watson after about six minutes. Receiving the ball five yards beyond the centre circle, he dropped his shoulder and sent a half volley snapshot whistling towards the bottom right hand corner, forcing Kelly in the Annan goal to palm it wide.

The Annan dressing room must be stuffed with egos. Their defenders spent most of the first half having a go at one another, the most prominent whiners inevitably being Gilfillan (surprise), and their big no. 5. Annan are a well drilled team, but in the first half they were a yard off the pace, and it showed.

Montrose began to pile in a glut of chances from which, as is now tradition, they failed to score. From a left wing cross, an Alan Campbell back-header somehow failed to go in, after crashing off the underside of the bar. A tremendous move saw Watson unleash a firecracker of a right foot drive which Kelly, at full stretch, turned around the left hand post. And, "Scooby" Davidson, with the ball dropping at pace over his left shoulder, controlled it very well on the edge of the area and hit in a low drive straight at the hard pressed goalkeeper. We were profiting most from getting in behind Annan's creakingly slow back line, and playing the ball across the face of the goal, but sadly, we forgot this lesson in the second period.

After the break, Montrose sat far, far too deep and allowed Annan, who had clearly benefitted from a half time roasting, to take the initiative. McNeil made to outstanding saves- one of them, diving away to his right to keep out a net bound downward header, was breathtaking. Annan, in turn, began to get in behind us and balls zipping across the edge of the six yard box caused a god deal of trouble. Two or three Annan headers flashed narrowly over in the second half as they pressed for the opening goal. As the game wound down, a catastrophic mistake from Tweed allowed one of their forwards a clear run at goal; his low drive beat the onrushing McNeil, but cannoned back off the base of the left hand post.

The game, which had been quite open and even tempered for the first hour, became niggly and bad tempered as the final whistle approached. The referee, who up until the sixty minute mark had a very good game, seemed to lose his bearings completely. Watson, who had been injured, wasn't allowed back on the park for three minutes, for no reason. Gilfillan was booked, perhaps lucky not to be sent off, for raising his hands to Nicholas. This was as a result of an incident where Gilfillian- a loathsome Premiership ego in a Scottish third division football shirt- seemed to think Nicholas had "dived". Chris Jardine, a little pudding-bowled hobbit, was booked for a pretty crude foul in front of the home dugout. Inevitably, in response, Hegarty and Davidson were booked for "persistent fouling" on Annan players.

With two or three minutes remaining, we seemed to have weathered the second half storm, and had a gilt edged chance to score and record our first league win of the season. Hard work by Maitland, who had come on for Sinclair, and Anderson saw a dangerous diagonal ball played across the box, finding Nicol, lurking three yards out at the far post. Nicol had stolen a march on his Annan marker, and there seemed no way that he could miss. He did, improbably slicing the ball over the bar, technically more difficult to achieve than hitting the back of the net. Not only that, he hit the ball over the Dyna-Mo roof and into the car park. A real head-in-hands moment for everybody.

The final whistle, to everyone's great relief, came not long afterwards. There was a huge sense of frustration amongst the home support. On another day, we could have been two or three nil up at half time, but Annan will look back in regret at McNeil's saves and the chances they missed in the second half. All in all, a day of dire finishing and good goalkeeping, as two very poor teams once again cancelled one another out. It's as well that there is now a three week gap to the next home game when Fester's first footers show face on January the 2nd. By then, everyone should have forgotten about this grim, sterile stalemate.

Man of the Match: There's only really one contender today, and once again it's goalkeeper Andy McNeil who had two or three outstanding saves. Paul Watson had a good first half but faded badly along with the rest of the team after the break; Sean Crichton had a good game, too.

Crowd: was miniscule, we'll be lucky if 200 folk were there. Seven hardy souls made the long trek up from Galloway, and sat mutely behind their big Annan saltire throughout the match.

Annan Agricultural Preview

Oof, it's mid-December and I think I'm getting my first bout of football fatigue this season. You know, there's tons to do at work and at home, probably limited time in which to do it, the contents of a small retail park to be purchased for the family Christmas, and various unpleasant bosses banging tables and demanding deadlines are met, before they go home and sob alone into their medicinal sherry on Christmas Day. With so much else on, a nothing game at home to Nanna seems about as appetising as a bowl of verruccas.

With my personal enthusiasm gauge reading "empty" for this game, there's a bit of bad news: internet rumours have it that Paul Watson has been dragged kicking and screaming back to the Smokies and is unlikely to be available for this game. The last thing I heard from my normal reliable sources, was that the club were having a tug of war with that turncoat Weir, but were losing. It's grim stuff, as Watson has been absolutely outstanding for the team in his loan spell and was becoming an important lynchpin in the middle of the park. By all accounts, Watson has really enjoyed being at Links Park and gets on well with the rest of the squad, and I'm sure in the longer term he could be tempted to sign a more permanent deal. Happily, in this morning's Courier, Weir, although not ruling out recalling this player, says he's unlikely to do so for now, as Watson would be sitting on the bench if so. Annoyingly that girning flatcapped pigeon fancier Fester is sniffing around as well, presumably having 387 ex-Dunfermiline players on the books still isn't a big enough squad for him.

The consolation is that the cretinous Maroon Malevolence "fans" seem to absolutely despise Watson- with a bit of luck they'll hound him out of the club, permanently. Under McGlashan, Watson was finished at A*****th; however, all bets are off under the new management and, with his team turning in appalling performance after appalling performance, Weir urgently needs Watson back to have a look at him. It's yet another annoying wait-and-see scenario. Personally, I'd break the bank to sign him, as he has been absolutely key to the improved showings since the beginning of the autumn.

Saturday sees our sixth league game against the Bucolic Farmhands. We've yet to beat them at Links Park, indeed we've only got the better of them once in five games- our first game down at Galabank. My blogging colleague skif reported on their inaugural game at LP, a 1-1 draw which took place whilst I was abroad; fortunately I missed Steven Tweed's managerial debut in a 3-0 home defeat to this team. A win is not only long overdue this season but against Annan, too. If a library book was this overdue, the borrower would be in court by now.

Unfortunately, the Galloway side rock up to the Home of Football unbeaten in three matches. Their last defeat was a hugely unjust odd-goal-in-three reverse to Fester's Former Full Time Failures at Station Park, Nanna being the first side not to benefit from a last-second equaliser at the atmosphereless Bridie HQ this term. Since then, they ground out a dire 0-0 draw at Cliftonhill (the point was a decent return, but the game shocking), beat Hellgin Academy Sixth Form 2-0 at Borough Briggs, and recorded a straightforward 3-1 win over the Spiders last Saturday. In putting together this decent little run, Nanna find themselves sixth in the table, four points behind Faaaaaaaaaaarrrrfirrr.

There is a sense of cracks being papered over at Galabank however. Crowds are down, as the "novelty" of League football wears off. It took the team a long time to get going this season and, barring a run to the Alba Cup semi finals, entertainment has been roughly on a par with that afforded by a Jimmy Tarbuck gig on a wet Tuesday night in Peterhead. Harry Cairney has tinkered, tactically hemmed and hawed, and changed formation and starting XI more times than a catwalk model changes outfits during a fashion show. Finally, in the last few weeks, he has reached the lowest common denominator, and begun sending out zero-skill-all-lung-power 3-4-3 formations, as he retreads last season's ghastly and miserable Route One tactics. It's working, though, so I imagine he will be little concerned by the aesthetic criticism of an obscure scribe on the internet.

Annan Agricultural are a *big* side, physically. Seemingly populated by ruddy faced farmhands who spend their week carrying a tractor under each arm up a steep mountainside, whilst simultaneously milking 300 goats, they are quite a formidable team to play against, and have one or two skilful players in their ranks. Bryan "Toilet Duck" Gilfillan seems to have settled down, finally, for the season, after flitting between Scotland and Australia for most of the past two seasons. Gilfillan's ego has not diminished any since his days trousering £28,000 a week at the Anvil Abusers, although a high opinion of his own ability on the basis of one cap for Northern Ireland's under-21 side induces little more than derisive laughter to be honest. He's a good player at this level, but must be annoying to play alongside, as he continually peppers his team-mates with less than charitable observations about their playing abilities, throughout the course of a game. And, of course, there's David Cox, whom we all know about, a choice of two good goalkeepers (Kelly has the upper hand over Summersgill at the moment, the amiable Geordie banished to the bench after an error-strewn performance in the cup humiliation at No Fans Rangers.) "Celebrity" blogger Chris Jardine will no doubt take caustic abuse about his vacuous on line ramblings on the BBC site again. Sadly, for his many admirers, Lee Hoolickin has been released this week and is no doubt off to make a determined effort to win the Player of the Month Award, in the Unibond League Division One (North).

The manager has a few selection problems. I'm not sure if Fraser Milligan will be out or not. With Aaron die to return to the left back position, time for another round of the popular parlour game, Where will Alan Campbell play this week? Hegarty and Davidson are likely to continue in midfield, and I'll be amazed if the Gemmell-down-the-left experiement is re-worked; I can see him and Anderson swapping places.

For months now on this blog I've been predicting that things are about to change, and our first win is coming. This weekend, I really don't know. I'll be there anyway, so you can find out how things went on here sometime either on Saturday night, or Sunday.

Media Review & Rest of the Weekend

With the game not finishing before many of the sports sections of today's papers were finished, there's very little about the narrow defeat at Ochilview. Twed only appears fleetingly in the Scottish Tit n Bum" and his one line quote indicates a growing frustration at our inability to put away the chances that come our way.

Pride of place in today's press, though, is occupied by the hapless Press & Journal. People who don't read it often cite the paper as inward looking, parochial and at least twenty years out of date, citing their headline after the Titanic sank in 1912- ABERDEEN MAN DROWNS- as proof. Today's "report" will be grist to the mill for those who have that opinion of the P&J. According to today's issue, it would still appear to be 2008, David Hannah (!!!) is still the manager, and we lost 5-0 yesterday as Shire "muscled in on the third division play off race".

Whoops! One can only assume that it was the PeeandJay's Christmas do on Saturday night, and that a brutally hungover sub-editor let that one slip through the net in a bleak episode of the DTs yesterday. Whichever numpty was responsible, any lingering hangover will have been made much worse by a no-doubt purple faced high decibel bawling-out from the editor first thing this morning.

Third Division & Angus

With the Retch-in game off, and a match report up from Station Park, the Angus round-up this morning is obviously going to be brief. Not too brief, though, as we have to record yet another disaster for Jim Weir's Beetroot Stained Laughing Stock, on their travels. They managed what very few other teams have managed this season- recording a defeat at Broadwood against the epically abysmal Bully Wee. The Maroon Malevolence seemed to be on their way back to what passes for respectability in their terms, with a midweek 2-2 draw at Castle Greyskull with the Wasps, in front of a hardy dozen or so fans. Happily, normal atrocious service was resumed yesterday, as the pitiful Red Schichties lurched further into the swamp of relegation difficulty.

A pisspoor performance, and some decent saves from the Bully Wee's one player of note- goalkeeper Calum Reidford-sent Weir and his morale-bereft crew tumbling down the slippery slope to disaster, yet again. The poor old Bully Wee are having a genre-redefining awful season, obliged to rely on guys plucked from the juniors and paid £20 a week, just so that the club can survive what appears to be a financial situation somewhat less healthy than the national debt of the Central African Republic. They were still too good for A*****th, though, and the rank rotten nature of the Schichties, will give their conquerors hope that they can plot an unlikely course to avoid relegation, in the second half of the season.

I can't really be bothered summing up the rest of the third division action- everyone who was expected to win, won. The hardest game to call was at Galabank, where next weekend's visitors Annan Agricultural saw off the Spiders 3-1, in what sounds to have been a half decent performance. In this section, until our cup tie, we will also be keeping an eye on the results of our opponents Edinburgh City. The "Citizens", alas, were engulfed by a calamity at Ainslie Park, the new HQ of bitter East of Scotland League rivals Spartans. The Spartans subjected City to a comprehensive carpet-bombing, winning 7-0 in a match of embarrassingly one sided proportions. They thus condemned the Meadowbank side to their sixth defeat in ten league matches, leaving them treading water just above their league's relegation zone. City may still have been basking in the glow of their cup success over Marty Allan's pisspoor Keith, and Spartans determined to banish the bitter blow of that unexpected home defeat to Faaaarfir, but by any standards that is a terrible result.

I must find a new name for Keech, as well. Sadly for them, Marty Allan has decided to call it a day owing to increasing business commitments. Allan has been a great supremo of the Kynoch Park men, winning two Highland League titles with a near-amateur side, and he will be a very tough manager to follow. I remember the moustachioed Allan, alongside Colin Maver, forming a really steely and creative Montrose midfield in the first side I watched regularly, during 1990-1. I can still see him yet, in that gingham-check sky blue shirt, destroying the Sons in that December cup tie at Boghead...nearly twenty years ago. When one of your early heroes suddenly appears with grey hair and in middle age, one realises the quick passing of time.

What next? Retch-in are meant to be playing Wick tomorrow, but given that it's been pouring with rain since late last night, I'll be surprised if it goes ahead. If it does, I'm now 50-50 about heading up there for the game. If I do go, I'll stick up a quick summary on here on Wednesday. If I don't, then the next entry will be a preview of the visit of Annan Agricultural around the same time. It's been a busy few days on here and it's time for a writing break until later in the week.

East Stirlingshire (0)1-0 (0) Montrose

On the way down to Ochilview today, the Perthshire hills were drenched in beautiful winter sunshine, and it was possible to see for miles. Alas, by the time Larbert hove into view, grey skies and a smirr of rain were in the air, with the wind getting up as the game wore on. Larbert always seems to be grey and rainy, as though preparing for a location shot for a never-to-be-commissioned Dickensian costume drama.

Tweed switched things around for today, with Hegarty returning to the middle of the park, Campbell dropping to left back, and, remarkably, John Gemmill re-invented as a left winger. Nicholas was paired with Anderson up front. Playing in white again, the lads lined up: McNeil, Milligan, Campbell, Hegarty, Tweed, Crichton, Nicholas (Trialist), Davidson, Gemmill, Watson, Anderson.

It was clear from the start that this Montrose side were up for it, in contrast to the apathetic and meek surrender to Berwick on Tuesday. Early on, Nicholas and Gemmill linked well down the carpark touchline but the final touch wasn't there. Nicholas, who had put himself about on Tuesday, looked a little tired from his exertions and wasn't as nippy today.

The first real goal threat came from Shire, though, as they broke in numbers down the standside touchline. The ball was crossed well across the face of goal, and their no. 11 (I think) found himself with the ball at his feet four yards out. However, he hadn't reckoned with Andy McNeil, who made another terrific one-on-one blocking save.

After that early scare Montose imposed themselves on the game, and dominated most of the first half with some fine passing football, against a Shire team that seemed rather disjointed and out of sorts. Milligan and Hegarty linked really well down our right; a whipped in cross was saved on the line, with Tweed desperately trying to get some purchase on it with a header. Again, with eighteen minutes gone, Milligan, Hegarty and Crichton exchanged passes, which ended with the burly midfielder flicking the ball, airborne, straight into the path of Nicholas- a real life FIFA 2008 move, that. "Scooby" Davidson got in on the action, winning a corner after yet more good work from Milligan and Hegarty, and Montrose won a couple of corners, from one of which Shire keeper Barclay seemed to pick up a knock.

For all our good approach play, we were still to force the hirpling Barclay into any kind of save. He easily claimed a dipping Milligan cross-cum-shot under his bar. However, the two chances we should perhaps have taken were just around the corner.

A short period of half hearted Shire pressure broke down, when the anonymous Lynch headed straight at McNeil from a corner. Montrose broke out, and suddenly a delightful through ball arced perfectly into the path of Anderson, who had burst clear of Shire's labouring back line. A yard ahead of their three defenders, Anderson had to make up his mind quickly as Barclay came off his line. he curled his right foot under thew ball and lifted it over the goalkeeper- and agonisingly wide of the angle of post and bar. Perhaps a drilled blast would have been a better option, but then it was a difficult chance to take.

Two minutes later, Montrose were awarded a free kick for a foul just in front of their fans, five yards in from the touchline. Players jockeyed for position in the box, as Paul Watson strode up to take it. His half-intended sand wedge of a set piece drifted onto the bar with Barclay stranded, crashed off the stanchion and out of play. I have no idea how many times we have hit the post and the bar this season, but our bad luck in this regard is getting beyond a joke.

Montrose went in at half time in the ascendancy, as Shire had failed to really get going at all in the opening period- certainly, they were a shadow of the pacy and quick thinking team that dismantled us at Links Park back in September. the bad news for us was that Fraser Milligan had pulled up with what looked like a twanged hamstring just before half time, and he was obliged to leave the field and be replaced by Daryl Nicol.

In the second half Shire were marginally better and we began to fade a bit as the half wore on. With Milligan gone our passing dipped a bit and, sad to say, Gemmill was a waste of a shirt down the left touchline today. Tomana came on for him midway through the second half, but wasn't able to make much more of an impact.

Shire's winner came with about twenty five minutes left. A series of short passes down our left bypassed Alan Campbell, who missed his tackle on Shire's no. 8. He cut in and played a beautiful ball to whoever the poodle-mulleted no. 6 is, who exchanged a one-two with Andy Rodgers. No. 6 bypassed a challenge, took a couple of steps, and from the edge of the area, just to the left of centre of the goal, hit a terrific rising left foot drive into the top left hand corner of the net- McNeil got close to it and did well to get that far. 1-0 Shire.

The loss of this goal clearly knocked the players confidence a bit and, in truth, we offered little for the remainder of the game. Shire moved it about nicely, brought on three subs, and did what they had to do to close out the game, which wasn't much.

In many ways this game provides a succinct summation of our season so far. When on form, we are as good a footballing side as any in the division. A casual neutral, watching this game and not knowing much about our league, would take some persuading that Montrose are nine points adrift at the foot of the table, and yet to win this season.

Yet, that is where we find ourselves. It doesn't really matter if you're a good footballing side if you can't score goals, and that is where we have fallen down. A side more ruthless in the final third would have buried a lacklustre Shire today, who were there for the taking. I'm not persuaded that tinkering with the side and playing guys out of position really brings much to the table either. I appreciate we have a very small group of players, needs must and all that, but Gemmill down the left was never going to work today.

However, having offered harsh criticism of Tuesday's "performance", it's good to be able to say that we were much, much better- in terms of sharpness and appetite for the battle. In the first half we were the better of the sides. With a bit of luck, we might have taken a point from this, which our efforts probably merited. But the bottom line is another defeat, and another scoreless afternoon, and yet another set of morning papers where the opposing manager will be saying "Montrose were unlucky and are in a false position". We really can't afford too many more of them.

Man of the Match: Two or three players stood out today. Andy McNeil in goal had another fine game, it's good to see him stringing together a few consistent performances after his injury. Paul Watson again worked really hard in the middle of the park and was the conduit for many of our attacks. But, for me Chris Hegarty edges it over these two, showing quite a bit of skill and ability, and never giving up throughout the game. Sometimes Chris seems to be not much more than a tough grafter, but today he showed there can be much more to his game than that. That airborne flick onto Nicholas half way through the first half, had the neutral Stenny fans pop eyed in disbelief. Well done!

Crowd: Always hard to judge at Ochilview, as there is only a view from one stand; it was pretty busy, though, so I'd reckon about 350-400. Of those, Montrose had a decent backing of 25-30. Amongst the fans were Sean Fleming, still very frustrated at his lengthy and difficult-to-diagnose injury, and a forlorn looking Gordon Pope, the poor man back on crutches. It was also good to have the backing of five Stenny fans, well known from Pie & Bovril, all in various states of being hungover (from the downright glaze-eyed catatonic, to the perky refusal to be intimidated by the baleful stare of the Black Dog) after their astonishingly one-sided victory over No Fans Rangers in the cup yesterday.

Today & Forfar 2, Albion Rovers 2

So, I made it up to Brechin in good time today and turned off Trinity Road into a deserted car park. On the A90, angry, heavy grey-purple clouds seemed to be sat on top of the little town, much like a brown bear jealously guarding a captured fish. The cup tie had been called off at mid-day, and it's a grim story for the travelling Wick fans and the club. This postponement is likely to wipe out any profits from their cup run, and it looks like the game will now have to be played in midweek, which, I imagine, will rule out players with work commitments. Especially grim, too, for the fans, who had endured five hours on a bus for no good reason. I did think it was odd that there was a man wandering about Perth this morning with a Wick Academy scarf, presumably he'd decided to make a day of it somewhere else (frankly it's difficult to make an hour of it in Brechin).

Anyway, there was time to voyage down the the Land of the Bridie for the afternoon's visit of the Wee Rovers. Both teams had enjoyed Scottish Cup successes, and were looking to re-kindle slightly faltering league campaigns this afternoon. For Faaarfir, "Foxy" Fotheringham started in the no. 4 shirt, whilst the Rovers line up was pretty familiar from our encounter with them a couple of weeks back.

It was a contrast of styles. Forfar, as always, were physical, varying Route One with Route Two, whereas the Coatbridgers, wherever possible, passed the ball about really nicely on the ground. They took the lead early on after a splendid passing move, involving four players, saw Pollock (I think) free, eight yards out inside the box, and he had an easy task to roll the ball past Brown into the bottom right hand corner for the opener, which turned out to be the goal of the game.

Standing in the enclosure at Station Park is like finding oneself in the midst of a rather bad-tempered debate in the House of Lords. A small knot of elderly men alternately seemed to be asleep, occasionally waking up and shouting, before lurching into catatonia again. In most passages of the game, a strange library like silence endures (the fifteen or so noisy Albion Rovers fans being the loud truants outside the window). However, mistakes by the home team are seized upon mercilessly for caustic abuse. I timed the first shout of "This is fuckin' shite Campbell" at thirteen minutes this afternoon.

Rovers dominated the midfield for most of the half, with Paul Tyrell being particularly influential, breaking up Forfar moves forward and being a constant vocal encouragement to his team-mates. the linesman began to take stick for being a tad cautious with a couple of offside flags. Pollock should have scored a second when put clean through after a horrendous breakdown in communication between Forfar's defence and midfield, but he blasted wide when well placed. The Bridies, perhaps slightly against the run of play, equalised just before half time; a ball was fed in from the stand side across the face of goal, and Harty, lurking by the far post, struck the bouncing ball home after desperate last ditch attempts by Gaston and one of his defenders to block the ball.

In the second half, Forfar got on top of Rovers physically; Tyrell's influence waned, and they set up wave after wave of attacks. Harty put them in front with about an hour gone, with a decent low shot placed very well in the postage stamp between the diving Gaston's left hand and the far post, from about fifteen yards out. Even then this wasn't enough for the querulous geriatrics in the enclosure. The linesman once again was peppered with a near-constant stream of abuse, leavened with regular demands for Albion players to be sent off for no reason. Heart monitors began beeping ominously when a third goal for Forfar was rightly chalked off for a foul on Gaston; Forfar players piled in on top of him as he struggled to get both hands around the ball on the deck, in the footballing equivalent of the schoolroom nerd being duffed up in the khazi at break-time.

A home win seemed pretty much guaranteed, so, to avoid the horrible junction at the top of Carseview Road being packed with departing football traffic, I bailed out five minutes early. Silly me. Apparently, Rovers' Patrick Walker netted a desperately late equaliser to see the match finish at 2-2. Fester will be in the papers tomorrow complaining bitterly about this wasting of another two points, but, after their dominance in the opening half, Paul Martin and his team will feel they have got their just desserts from the game. Tyrrell and Donnelly were particularly good for Rovers, whereas it was hard to pick out anyone, really, for praise from a pretty out of sorts home side. Leading scorer Ross Campbell had a very quiet game, "Foxy" was peripheral and hooked after about seventy minutes, Kevin Fotheringham looked a little lost as well. For the players they have in the squad, Forfar should be doing much better than they are. However, they are too reliant on muscle and physicality, and too little reliant on the skill and ability some of their team have.

Odd to say it, but it looks like the experienced Fester is struggling to get the best out of his players. If they keep playing like that, Forfar have no chance whatever of seriously troubling the play off places this season; Rovers, meanwhile, will be much happier with their point, and working on not being bullied out of games in their next few training sessions. Anyway, back to the real stuff tomorrow.

Brechin-Wick Replay and Shire Preview

All aboard the Hedgetrimming charabanc! Tomorrow, I'm one of quite a few Montrose fans travelling through to Hedge Park to see if Wick can continue their form of the first hour of last Saturday's cup tie at Harmsworth Park. The gallant Scorries, you'll recall, led Jim Duffy's pitiful outfit 4-2 with 60 minutes on the clock, and a seismic Scottish Cup upset seemed on the cards. Subsequently, two late goals, as the Highland Leaguers tired badly in the final quarter of the game, set up a barely deserved replay this weekend.

There's been much chatter about Duffy's general touchline demeanour this week on the internet. It's fair to say that a majority of the Village People are less than impressed with their manager, after a stuttering stop-start campaign. Duffy's patronising and disrespectful pre-match comments- suggesting that Wick weren't much more than a pub team, and wondering idly if he would need his passport- wrote the Wick pre match team talk for them, and very nearly resulted in a dire calamity. Reportedly, Duffy stood motionless in the dug out for most of the game, unable to inspire his lethargic players, and this has irritated a section of the home support hugely.

Add this to a seemingly haphazard set of summer signings (one Brechin player was freed, then signed again a fortnight later as no one else was available), losing out to awe-inspiring titans such as Stenny in the transfer market, and a complete inability to turn in any kind of performance away from home, and it's fair to say that Duffy has built up a healthy band of critics. The consolation for the alopecian gaffer lies in the fact that Retch-in have a very good home record, and that he can't be as arrogant again about the nature of his opposition.

The worries are still there, however. believe it or not, Wick seem better away from home, having firstly accounted for bankrupt Clach in the first round, then, perhaps slightly flatteringly, dismantled Girvan Juniors 4-1 in Ayrshire to setup the Retch-in clash. They have a number of young and very pacy attackers and a combative midfield, let down perhaps by a defence that's a little naive and lacking in pace. Wick source many of their players locally, or from the ranks of those who don't make the grade at Ross County's renowned youth academy, so they are no skill-free hammer throwers. Captain Martin Gunn served out an apprenticeship at the Arabs, whilst upfront Sam MacKay and Richard Macadie are two young strikers who are free scoring and the envy of many of their divisional rivals- these are their three players to watch. I expect a tight game with quite a few goals, but, even with all the grumblings behind the scenes, I really can't see anything other than a Retch-in win tomorrow. It's going to be nice spending a first Saturday since mid-August as a disinterested neutral, safe in the knowledge that whatever the result, it won't make or break the rest of the weekend.

Believe it or not, the last game I attended as a neutral was at the beginning of 2008, when I ill-advisedly decided to take in Carnoustie against Bathgate Thistle. Back then the West Lothian side had more money than most second division sides, and, with their team featuring the likes of Paul McGrillen and Kevin Haynes, they ran right through a dolorously slow and questionably fit home team, under the "guidance" of the hapless "Flax". It was also a struggle to stay upright at Laing Park as a ferocious sea wind swept right across the park- it was mid week before my body returned to something approaching a normal temperature. Certainly, such a long battle against hypothermia was not justified by the titanically poor fayre on offer that day-both teams were dreadful in a dreadful match.

Shire Sunday

Oddly, the main action takes place on Sunday and it will be strange to be taking a seat in the soulless plum plastic of Ochilview Park to watch the lads, instead of getting on with the usual thrilling Sunday tasks, like sourcing a tin of Pledge from Asda, or emitting a discordant sequence of rumbling snores in front of the Eastenders omnibus. The lads, following a truly soul-destroying defeat on Tuesday, will be looking to forget that quickly and turn in an improved performance against one of the division's frontrunners. Already, manager Tweed has hinted at changes, with Aaron Sinclair set to be rested for the first time this season. Hegarty returns after the end of his suspension and he is likely to take a place in midfield, or drop in again at right back with John Maitland making a start for the first time since his sickening bashed head at Galabank.

Other than that, it's hard to see too many changes being made. Stevie Nicholas will doubtless start again alongside John Gemmell and I'm really looking forward to seeing him play with a couple of games behind him. Nicholas was a relentless pain in the arse in the black and gold of East Fife a few years back, and it's always gratifying to have a skilful and tricky wee player like that doing it to another team instead. It will also be telling if Tomana returns to first team action or not. One or two fans have suggested that the little Slovak is away home in January, which will be sad if it's true. If he is, then we're likely only to have fleeting glimpses of him before his departure. That said, a game like Sunday's- against a good team who try and play the ball on the ground- may be ideally suited to the "Maradona of the Tatra Mountains". Tomana behind an attacking spearhead of Gemmell and Nicholas would be a real statement of attacking intent, from Tweed. The worst thing we could do is go there, defend in numbers and hope for a 0-0 draw. Sunday's game calls much more for something like the Forfar performance, where we attacked continuously without giving up. This would be my team: (4-4-2) McNeil, Milligan, Maitland, Campbell, Tweed, Davidson, Tomana, Hegarty, Gemmell, Nicholas, Anderson.

That said, I will be very happy with a much improved showing, and a point, as we wind up for our next realistically winnable game- at home to the struggling Annan Agricultural on December 12th. So, see you at Glebe Park, or in the depressing suburban skidmark of Stenny, or both- and, if neither, see you on here for another painful gust of rhetorical flatulence over the course of the weekend. The Retch-in v Wick match report will go up on Saturday, our game's report on Sunday and, the usual round up and side-clutching pointing and sniggering at Jim Weir's Beetroot-Stained Laughing Stock, whenever I can be arsed early next week.

MON THE MO!!!!

Montrose (0) 1-3 (1) Berwick Rangers

A swirling southerly wind at Links Park last night, as milder weather chased away the weekend cold snap. Giant slices of rain swept across the park, trapped in the floodlit glare, as this game was played out in near-Spain Park conditions.

With Hegarty sitting out the second game of his suspension, manager Tweed was obliged to tinker again. New striker Stevie Nicholas, formerly of East Fife, Partick and Queens' Park, took to the pitch in the no. 7 shirt as a trialist. Alan Campbell filled in as left back whilst Tweed partnered Crichton in central defence. Nicholas played alongside Gemmill upfront, with Anderson moving out to the right midfield. The lads, in blue, lined up: McNeil, Milligan, Sinclair, Campbell, Crichton, Tweed, Nicholas (Trialist), Davidson, Gemmill, Watson, Anderson. The bench was the same as on Saturday.

Berwick began the match kicking towards the Dyna-Mo, with the wind largely at their backs. They began much the better of the two sides, passing and moving the ball as well as the wind would allow them to. The strength of the wind saw the ball refusal to stand still from set pieces and free kicks. Throw ins and crosses from the Knoll side either held up, or boomeranged out of play comically. Quickly, Berwick realised that it was a better idea to try and play down their right, and they penned in a lacklustre and dilettante Montrose for most of the half.

They took the lead on the quarter hour. Having won a corner, the ball was whipped in across the face of goal, skiffing the barnet of Tweed on the way. Unforgivably, the smallest man on the park, Fraser McLaren, was lurking unmolested at the far post. As three blue shirts stood rooted to the spot, the winger nodded the ball down, hard, onto the ground. It bounced up into the roof of the net. 0-1, and a really soft goal that would have caused irritation and embarrassment in a training ground bounce game, let alone in a competitive fixture. Tweed angrily remonstrated with Gemmill, who was blamed for McLaren's free pass at the edge of our six yard box.

Playing into the fierce wind, Montrose struggled to make any progress. Indeed, the visitors dominated the first half so completely that they will have felt that just a single goal was paltry reward for their efforts. On around twenty five minutes, Crichton appeared to be blown over as he attempted to clear the ball from the semi circle; his sclaff sat up and begged in front of Berwick's no. 8. The player strolled purposefully into the area and seemed almost certain to score, but was denied by a rush from the goal line and a brave and decisive save by neon-green clad McNeil, in a one-on-one situation. Five minutes later the same situation presented itself, someone else got in a horrible fankle inside the area and Berwick had another chance. The outcome was again the same, McNeil spreading himself at the player's feet and blocking powerfully. Still the visitors gave him more work to do. From a free kick, taken five yards outside of the box on the standside touchline, a frighteningly dangerous dipping ball came straight on top of McNeil's head, as both sides joeckeyed for position, in some bizarre variant of the Eton Wall game. Calmly, McNeil rose and claimed the ball amidst all this mayhem, easing the pressure for us again.

We had only one attack of note in the first half, which I had a poor view of, refusing to leave the sanctuary of the Dyna-Mo, unlike the twenty or so saturated desperadoes who insisted on taking up a vantage point on the Beach End. Some decent running from Milligan and Anderson down the standside touchline saw the ball fed into Stevie Nicholas, who had made a good run into a central position just inside the area. Nicholas, taking a couple of deft touches, lifted the ball over that mankini model Peat, but unfortunately the ball held up in the wind, and was cleared off the line by a retreating Berwick centre half.

At half time we clung to the hope that Berwick had had the better of the conditions in the first half, and that, with the wind at our backs in the second, we would come right back into it. And, for fifteen minutes or so, that proved to be the case. Milligan began probing down the right, linking up quite well with Anderson. Nicholas, for someone meant to be unfit, had quite a turn of pace about him and a good awareness of the play. Peat, who was as underemployed as a Wearside shipwright in the first half, had to sweat a little bit for his evening's brown envelope, diving low to grasp a Watson shot on the turn. He wasn't so lucky on the hour, when Watson jumped high to meet a Milligan cross, eight yards out, and glanced a fizzing low header into the bottom right hand corner of the net. Peat got a right hand to it, but the ball had too much momentum behind it to keep it out. 1-1, the Dyna-Mo in good voice, and just the faintest echo of Saturday's passion sounded in our play.

For some reason, though, we seemed to lose all traction after our equaliser. Although Berwick were rocking visibly at this point, as we buzzed around their penalty area, they held us out, and began to impose themselves in the middle of the park again. With quarter of an hour to go Brazil put them in front again, and it was the goal that killed the game. Picking the ball up just inside the area, unmarked, from a cross, Brazil cracked a whistling low drive past the helpless McNeil, with our defence completely AWOL.

After that, Berwick realised that they had a grip on our throat that they weren't going to give up. They set the seal on a battling victory in the last minute and, again, it was a sickeningly easy finish for McLaren. A free kick, about thirty yards out, floated in a perfect parabola over our paralysed defence, and again the unmarked McLaren only had to nod briefly to send the ball whistling into the top left hand corner.

There was singificant discontent for the first time this season at the final whistle. Tweed was peppered with flak on the woeful defending that the fans had witnessed. We have backed a struggling team loyally and in good numbers all season. Most of us know we will toil in the league, and have already accepted many defeats to better sides, if we have tried our best. For the first time in months, fans left Links Park feeling that this was a Montrose team which had given nothing like full effort or application over the course of the game. Berwick are a workmanlike and well drilled team- nothing more- but we made them look much better than that.

Overall, this game showed that Montrose are a side suffering from bi-polar disorder. After the very rare high, one knows that a crashing low is coming hurtling round the corner. I hope Tweed has not only made the players well aware of the unacceptably dire nature of our display, but also has the necessary changes in mind for the weekend, in response. This evening we were the the immobile geriatric rabbit paralysed in the headlights of Berwick's onrushing Range Rover. Hopefully, on Sunday, Montrose will put this behind them, and put in a combative ninety minutes at Ochilview, erasing this bloody skidmark of a performance from the memory banks.

Man of the Match: Hard to award after such a depressingly poor drop in performance. For me, of the outfielders, only Milligan, Paul Watson and trialist Stevie Nicholas were any good. The rest were either below par, or still basking in the glow of the weekend. However, my man of the match goes to goalkeeper Andy McNeil, who made two or three remarkable stops in the first half. Had McNeil not left the dressing room like the rest of the defence, this result would have been much, much worse. Well done Andy.

Crowd: The ground was worryingly empty as the game kicked off, but the crowd swelled to about 240, most of whom sought sanctuary in the Dyna-Mo. Half a dozen or so made the trip up from Northumberland.