Iain Diack on loan? (NO)

The briefest of snippets in today's Daily Ranger suggests that striker Iain Diack will shortly be joining the club on loan. My understanding is that his is the first signature funded by the supporter-organised SOS fund. if the loan goes through, the gangling frontman is likely to step straight into the starting line up at the weekend. Diack has had more clubs than a professional seal hunter. Amazingly, we will be the 27 year old's eighth club ( he has also worn the colours of the Ton, the Shire, Stenny, the Borderers, Wee Rovers, Retch-in and, poor man, the Red Schichties).

Diack has scored many times against us- notably for Stenny during 2005-6, when he netted the first in a 2-0 win and then jumped up onto the wall behind the Dyna-Mo goal and was nearly knocked off again by a foaming at the mouth maroon tumesence, fuelled by an early start in the Legion. He's exactly the kind of clever player who, when in the right frame of mind, can score many at this level. A very good signing, if true.

EDITED TO ADD This is now not happening, i can exclusively reveal, as the player doesn't want to move to Links Park. Onwards & upwards then...

Media Review

Today's papers sees everyone try to remain upbeat about Saturday's game. Manager Tweed, in the Courier, feels we had enough chances to win three games, and rues his failure to take his late effort in the six yard box, explaining that he failed to connect properly with the ball. Meanwhile, in the Scottish Tit & Bum, "Ando" explains that a win is just around the corner, and that the mood in the Montrose dressing room is "buzzing". Hopefully, it's meant in the positive sense, rather than referring to a brutal dose of electric shock therapy for Jim Moffat, as he desperately seeks new tactical formulations, in an effort to find us a win. Meanwhile, Keith "the Postie" Knox seems satisfied enough with his side's point.

More generally, there are two schools of thought about Saturday's game- some fans seem to think that that was our best showing for a while. I must admit, with all due respect, to being a bit baffled by that view. For me, Saturday was probably our poorest showing since the away game at Galabank, and certainly well below the level of performance in the last four games. McNeil was uncharacteristically hesitant, our defence cumbersome and creaking. Whilst the two central midfielders, and Milligan and Sinclair, did well, up front we were dire. To my mind, only Stranraer's profligate incompetence in front of goal prevented a home defeat. We *are* creating more chances than we were during the dark days of goal-less September, but just have no clue when it comes to finishing them off. We try and walk the ball into the net, a tell tale sign of a side lacking any self belief in the final third of the park. The forwards need to believe in themselves a lot more, and take responsibility by shooting first time whenever the opportunity presents itself. At present, when faced with the choice of shooting or passing sideways, we pass sideways.

There are various things bubbling just beneath the surface at the club just now, that are likely to burst into the news this week- keep checking back for news.

Montrose (0) 1-1 (0) Stranraer

Blustery and overcast conditions today at Links Park, with a cold north-easterly wind sweeping the ground in the first half, dying away during the interval.

With Chris Hegarty suspended for two games for going over the points tally, Marek Tomana came back into the side, with Davidson and Watson forming a midfield partnership. Upfront, Sean Anderson returned to play alongside John Gemmell, with Ryan Stewart not on the bench. Indeed, so depleted are the manager's resources that only three outfield substitutes were named. With these changes the team, in blue, lined up: McNeil, Milligan, Sinclair, Campbell, Tweed, Crichton, Tomana, Davidson, Gemmell, Watson, Anderson. Alongside Steven Coutts on the bench were Pope, Maitland and Nicol. There was mystifyingly no sign of Ryan Stewart, Jordan Leyden or Nick Gray, leaving us embarrassingly short on the bench. All I can think of is that the under-19 side must have a *really* important game tomorrow.

Stranraer, in red, started brightly and threatened from the first, a stop-start move down the stand side touchline seeing the ball fed quickly across goal. One of their strikers was left horribly unmarked, and with all the time and space he needed, still managed to fire his shot narrowly wide of the angle and into the Dyna-Mo.

This seemed to wake Montrose up a little and they exerted some decent pressure for the first few minutes, without forcing Stranraer's Gareth Gates-doppelganger goalkeeper into a save. Fraser Milligan jinked, turned and tapped his way into the area, past three defenders, but unluckily the ball ran just out of play before he could get a cross in. We won a couple of early corners but these were cleared.

Following this spell of pressure, Stranraer had their own period camped out in our area, and came closest with the chances that presented themselves. Someone headed over. Andy McNeil, uncharacteristically, spilled a couple of corners, with the ball being hacked clear. A shot was cleared off the line with McNeil beaten, and yet another flew over the bar. Montrose's defence, which had performed so capably in the previous game, looked sluggish, disorganised and out of sorts.

Indeed the incident that enraged the fans more than anything in the first half was the antics of Michael Moore. Moore fell to the ground screaming after an innocuous challenge from Paul Watson, and was on the ground for about five minutes receiving attention, during which time he was bombarded with all manner of "compliments" from the home support. I've no idea whether he was hurt or not (the fact that he was able to continue for the full ninety minutes suggests he was rather making a meal of any sustained injury) but I'm afraid that this is a striker who has cried wolf far too often to be taken seriously when he goes to ground.

There were very few others things of note to remark upon in a spirit crushingly dull first half. Sure, Anderson and Gemmell both fired efforts from distance wide of the angle, and over the bar, respectively. Moore, after a Lazarus type recovery from his "injury", hit the inside of the post from the edge of the area, and had begun to celebrate when the ball scuttled back out, like a scrumpled up bit of paper hitting the rim of the wastepaper basket and bouncing onto the carpet. Moore's strangled celebration was hugely enjoyed by the Montrose fans. At half time, there was only the hope that things would improve after the break, with Montrose shooting toward the Dyna-Mo.

The first ten minutes or so after the break were again an unpalatable offering of skill-devoid lumpy gruel. In attacking, Montrose either wanted one touch too many, played the wrong ball, or hit it out of play. The only bright note was Aaron Sinclair, who kept trying really hard down the standside touchline. He often foundered through lack of support, but, finally, the referee gave one decision our way (he was fussy, officious and downright awful throughout the game) and we had a free kick, five yards in from the standside touchline level with the corner of the penalty area. The Montrose players crowded into the box like commuters flooding a small space on a packed London Underground carriage. Beautifully, Sinclair floated the ball into the area. It skiffed off the hair gel on the top of Anderson's cranium, hit the inside of the far post with a dull thud, and nestled into he back of the net. Anderson, who had been the recipient of increasingly loud dubiety from the Dyna-Mo, was instantly transformed from zero to hero, and goodness me, Montrose were ahead for the first time in this soul-destroying campaign, on the hour.

Unfortunately, we only held the lead for about eight minutes. Another Stranraer attack broke down pointlessly and the ball fell to Andy McNeil. His clearance went straight to a red shirt in the centre circle. With the home team seeming standing still, that red shirt found Moore on the edge of our area. The humiliatingly bald cheat couldn't miss this time, and he didn't shooting across the exposed goalkeeper and into the bottom left hand corner. There were about ten seconds between McNeil clearing the ball and picking himself up off the ground to retrieve it from the back of the net; this was an embarrassing gimme of an equaliser.

Nicol, came on for the fading Tomana, and Maitland for Anderson- neither substitution was particularly popular with the Montrose support, especially the withdrawal of Tomana. Some may argue that the little Slovak is a luxury that a team in our position can't afford. However, a majority of the fans, your scribe included, still have a huge amount of faith in his ability, even when having a quiet game as he did this afternoon, to turn the match on its head with one jinking run, or one visionary pass. To withdraw our one genuinely creative outlet when chasing a winner seemed, to put it mildly, cretinous. It wasn't clear however whether Tweed or Moffat made the decision.

There were late chances for us. Nicol, to his credit, put himself about for the time he was given, with the climax of his performance being a stinging drive which Gareth Gates did well to turn aside, sprawling to his right. Maitland was sent sprawling by a visiting clogger for a free kick. With three minutes left, Paul Watson floated the ball perfectly into the area, straight onto the right boot of Steven Tweed. A slight touch would have seen the winner diverted home, but the manager wanted to put a little bit of oomph behind it; that oomph, stunningly, carried the ball over the bar from a distance of three yards. That's the second time poor Tweedy has missed from that range in the last two home games.

The final whistle came not long after that, with the first murmurings of discontent evident amongst the home fans. Stranraer had created enough chances to take the game but weren't good enough to take advantage. Montrose had two phenomenal chances themselves, but the same applied to them. Brutally, today's game was played out between two very poor teams each with a set of problems in common- lack of money, confidence and low morale. After playing well in the last month, Montrose took several steps back today. The ingredients were all there for our first win of the season, yet Stranraer, on their bus home, will have a nagging feeling that this was two points lost for them. Several of our key performers were well below their best, and the team struggled for long periods to create anything meaningful going forward today. One or two of our "bigger names" really need to take a long hard look at themselves after this miserable effort, and be ready to redeem themselves in next week's clash with a Berwick side who will cause us far more problems, than Keith Knox's hapless outfit did today.

Montrose have this season been backed by a very loyal and committed support- that that support had thinned today, and those who remained began to voice discontent and frustration at still being without a league win in mid-November- tells its own story. Let's just hope that today was an off day, and that next week we are back to the level of performance we have shown that we can produce in the last month.


Man of the Match: The only serious contenders in a very below par team were "Scooby" Davidson, Paul Watson, Fraser Milligan and Aaron Sinclair. And, after a quiet game last week at Coatbridge, Sinclair takes the award for an extremely committed and dangerous attacking shift down the left.

Attendance: This was the lowest attendance for a long time for a league fixture at LP. I'd estimate that there were no more than 180 there, about eighty of that in the stand. Of those, only six or so came from Stranraer. Times are pretty hard, Christmas is approaching, there was a Scotland international on TV, and with it not being the best of days to watch football, I'm afraid many fans voted with their feet, and no criticism can be levelled at those who did.

Montrose are now nine points adrift at the foot of a terrible league, and still there is no evidence, only blind faith, that a win is coming soon. Stranraer are a very poor and limited side, but a draw was the least they deserved today. With the latest financial position reaching my ears nothing short of dire, the time for excuses is fast running out both on and off the park. In these reports I always try and make light of things and give people a laugh, but I've rarely felt so depressed about an on-field performance, and gloomy about the club's future, as I did at the final whistle today.

Stena Sealink Works XI Preview

So, we're now into that odd period of the year where impatience for the Christmas holiday is growing, but November spitefully drags itself out, with endless niggling tasks at work and humourless so-and-sos calling interminable three hour meetings about, well, not very much. It's in that kind of gloomy November blues frame of mind that tomorrow's game sees the visit of the Stena Sealink Works XI.

Not much was expected of Keith "the Postie" Knox's side before the season began, after last term's narrow brush with financial death. The incompetence of successive "committees" left the Stair Park club on the point of liquidation halfway through last season, and only a determined campaign by their die hard fans, and the intervention of a local housing association, prevented the life support machine being turned off. In these circumstances, 2009-10 was always going to be a season of consolidation and rebuilding, with the club trying to stimulate a bit more local interest, and turn in some reasonable performances along the way.

Indeed, the Wigtownshire side began much better than many expected. When we visited Stair Park at the end of August, they had begun well, and brushed aside a feeble performance from us on that day in a comfortable enough 2-0 victory. It was a poor game however, with the home team relying on their greater muscle and physical presence to roll our peely-wally agglomeration of youth teamers, Scooby, and Steven Tweed, over.

Things have changed in the last month or so however. We have yet to win, but are showing signs of a great team spirit and togetherness that isn't usually found at teams marooned at the bottom of Division Three, and are much stronger as a team than we were at the end of August. Knox's side, meanwhile, have been drifting, rudderless, in the open sea of midtable, and any optimistic early hopes of a run to the play offs now appear naively misguided.

The nadir of course was that cup ejection by Inverurie Model Railway Society, but there have been some very demoralising afternoons in the league, too. Last Saturday's defeat at home to the Borderers was perhaps a shade unfortunate, but there have been some dreadful performances elsewhere; a 0-2 home reverse to Hellgin, defeat in a terrible match at Galabank against Annan Agricultural. There have been wins, too, notably recently against Fester's Bridie Humbugs, but the impression one gleans from match reports and fan comments is that Stena Sealink wins usually arise from poor performances by their opposition, rather than being created by Knox's cloggers themselves.

Last week's very late red card for the influential Murray Henderson is a severe blow, as he is one of their best players. The other name that always comes up in these previews is the blindingly bald Michael Moore. Moore is rumoured to be a "difficult" character, the kind of man who nurses a fifteen year grudge against someone for borrowing a paper clip and then not returning it. His performances are as ambivalent as his impression off the pitch. On his day, he is still one of the best strikers in the bottom two divisions, but it seems that his ":day" is coming around with less frequency nowadays. Such are the perils of trying to re-assemble the exact same team that won a championship four years ago, which seems to have been Knox's strategy this season. The rest of the Stair Park squad is stuffed to the gunnels with time-served third division journeymen, like Dee Agostini etc etc.

As for us, well, I'd expect a slightly more attacking XI tomorrow. For weeks now I've been predicting that we would sign a new striker on loan, but it all seems to be rather quiet on that front, even if I have heard one or two interesting names as suggestions. Marek should definitely be back, although I'm not quite sure who should make way for him; certainly it would be harsh if Ryan Stewart were left out, after his hard working shift at Cliftonhill. Defensively, we looked good last week so I wouldn't expect any changes.

We simply have to start winning games and build on the performances of the last few weeks. If we approach this match with the same mindset and the same determination that we did against the 5p in the pounds, we really should be out of sight of a team which seems to have sunk into a gloomy and unpredictable introspection. The again, it would be just like Montrose if we were to lose tomorrow, and then beat the much more capable Borderers at home, the following Saturday. See you there!

Third Division & Angus Round-Up : Media Summary

A somewhat delayed round up this week, it's been a busy old start.

Surprise of the day came at Hampden Park on Saturday. Few before the game would have predicted victory for the hopeless Spiders, but Gardner Spiers' team, who had been embarrassingly dreadful at home against Hellgin the previous weekend, were in no mood for a second successive capitulation. The visitors, Jim McInally's Shire, were themselves coming off the back of a stingingly awful performance against Annan Agricultural. As it turned out, the Falkirk cloggers were sensationally poor, and allowed the Amateur Arachnids to sneak home by a single Carroll goal, and move up to the dizzying foothills of eighth in the table. Questioning looks, which had been directed with increasingly intensity towards Gardner Spiers dugout, will be averted for at least a week, but murmurs must be starting about the future of Jim McInally at Shire. The club have the second best squad on paper in this division, and a remarkably potent group of strikers, yet it would appear that the short-fused McInally can't get the best out of them. he left the National stadium muttering darkly about the need for changes to his squad but, with him banned from the dugout until the Polar Ice caps melt, change may be coming in a direction the beleagured boss won't particularly like. The days of Shire as a joke team are fast fading into distant folklore, and part of that process is a consequent raising of expectations for the current group of players.

As for Hellgin, they chose the worst weekend of the season to turn in a long-overdue pisspoor performance. That coincided with the visit of the loathsome Cooncillor's Playthings, The full time council taxpayer funded Franchise were 3-0 up at half time and, astonishingly, in a display of unparalleled dominance, had doubled that lead with twenty two minutes still remaining. Craig Gunn did pull back one goal late on for the slipshod and shoddy Highand cloggers, but so heavy was this defeat that it can't be described as a "consolation". Now that the 5p in the Pounds have got the measure of this league, it really is hard to see anyone stopping them (although the SFL Management Committee may have other ideas next week). The chastened and humiliated Hellgin drop to ninth, but they're still seven points clear of us. Embarrassingly, the Spiders, in eighth, are ten points clear. Avoiding the kitchen utensil fashioned from wood this season, would be a major achievement now for us.

Fester's Bridie Humbugs locked horns with the Galloway Goatherds at Station Park, and by all accounts were hugely fortunate to win by the odd goal in three. Two goals in four minutes in the first half seemed to point towards a comfortable afternoon for the alopecian boss, but in the second half his terrible side tried desperately to clamber aboard the Fester fail train- and missed it by the narrowest of margins. "Coxy" pulled one back for Nanna, astonishingly, his fifth goal in a week, but it wasn't enough, as the visitors simply could not take advantage of Faaaaaaaaaaarfirr's rickety and immobile defence. So, for now, our dear county cousins keep a grip on fifth, three points behind the Wee Rovers. Doubts remain, though, that Fester's abysmal side have the necessary quality or motivation to pounce on any slip ups by the teams in the play off places.

Finally, in the Borders "derby", the Stena Sealink Works XI were shelled, torpedoed, and sunk in the harbour by a ruthless Borderers side, coming back into form after some unfortunate recent backfiring. Jimmy Crease's Northumbrians were 2-0 up at half time, but a purple faced interval harangue from Keith "the Postie" Knox put some lead additives in the home sides cheap supermarket petrol, and they had levelled at 2-2 with eighteen minutes to go. Alas! Just as the "Postie" began to think of his post match postscripts for the local papers, it was snatched away from him with two goals in a minute, the last, unbelievably, coming from the terrible Damon Gray. if you let a clogger like that score twice against you, then frankly defeat is the very least you deserve. Dumped from the cup by Inverurie Model Railway Society, and crumpling to a miserable defeat in this game, the "Postie" and his men will head for LP in a foul mood this Saturday- we would do well to take note.

Angus

A so-called "derby" took place at Hedge Park between Retch-in and the ghastly Maroon Malevolence. Ninety minutes of tortuous footballing turpitude awaited the crowd of almost no fans, as both awful teams cancelled one another out in a match of few chances and even less ability. Afterwards, Jim Duffy raged to the papers about his side's inability to convert the little they did create, whilst Jim Weir said nothing. Probably, the hapless Weir was so staggered by the size of the task ahead of him, that he was stunned into shocked silence. Then again, after being involved in a game like that, perhaps keeping your own counsel is the wisest course.

Media Review

The papers had little to say about Saturday's game. Paul Martin felt the Wee Rovers should have won on the basis of the chances they created in the first half, and it's hard to argue that point. Meanwhile, both Tweed and John Gemmell briefed journalists to the effect that the big strikers late "offside" goal was perfectly legitimate. I was in a poor position to see, but to be fair to the linesman, his flag did go up straight away- so, although the Beast may well not have been offside, someone else clearly was. perhaps we should focus instead on the quality of our second half performance, which was very good, and hope that we can keep that going in the game this weekend against a morale-sapped Stena Sealink Works XI. I'll preview that one sometime on Thursday.

Steven Tweed interview (2)

The Scottish Football League Insider, released last Friday, has an interesting two page interview with Steven Tweed in the current issue. In it, Tweed discusses his (long) career and summarises our season so far, pretty accurately.

Article is here, on pages 6-7. Your computer will need to be able to read PDF files.

Albion Rovers 0-0 Montrose

A raw late autumn afternoon in Coatbridge, with the sun as pale as the yolk of a powdered egg, doing little to lift the cold and damp at tumbledown Cliftonhill. Along with Central Park, this venue resembles nothing more than a run down Eastern European stadium; a stadium where, forty years ago, the Ladas and Wartburgs of the Party faithful used to rumble up in their thousands, to watch the local Dynamo or Lokomotiv performed wondrous feats in the European Cup-Winner's Cup. Now, it's a rather bleak and depressing venue, the crowds, like the Party, have long gone, the mounds behind either goal going "back to nature", and the mystifyingly empty enclosure yawning after twenty years of disuse.

For the first time in weeks, Montrose had a nearly full complement of players to choose from, and manager Tweed wasted no time in taking some unaccustomedly hard decisions. Despite his man of the match performance against Franchise FC, Steven Coutts made way for a fit-again Andy McNeil; Marek Tomana's knock was clearly a little more serious than realised, and he was confined to the bench, where, happily, he was joined by a recovering Gordon Pope. With Anderson out after his red card, Ryan Stewart was introduced alongside John Gemmell. Fraser Milligan continued at right back, and "Hegs" once again took his place alongside "Scooby" Davidson in the engine room. All in white, the lads lined up: McNeil, Milligan, Crichton, Campbell, Tweed, Hegarty, Davidson, Watson, Sinclair, Gemmell, Stewart.

Rovers, as if in a bid to exorcise the spectre of Bobby Barr, went straight at us from the kick off and established an early dominance. "Tiny" Stewart, clad in their red and black no. 7 jersey, was prominent in the early exchanges, winning an early corner which, inswinging, troubled McNeil; he couldn't hold it, and the ball was unconvincingly hooked clear. Rovers, on a bobbling pitch, were zipping neat triangular passes around the place, and we struggled to cope with their lively approach. Again "Tiny" jinked clear of a couple of challenges, found himself at the edge of the area, at a forty five degree angle to the left hand post, and sent a right foot curler just nanometres wide. Pollock, his hair luridly bleached, (there's nothing worse than a third division footballer with what he imagines is a Premier League haircut) bore down on goal and was thwarted by a mixture of McNeil and Campbell. Tweed, impressively, cleared a couple of high balls with very decent headers, as Rovers peppered us with grapeshot. It was a tough opening half hour, in which Montrose weren't seen at all as an attacking force.

Indeed, it wasn't until the 39th minute that we actually had a shot on target. The only time we had troubled Rovers before then was in winning a corner, which hit the first Rovers defender and was immediately launched into a counter attack. However, this time, we made progress through Hegarty and Sinclair, with the ball eventually finding Gemmell twenty five yards out with his back to goal. With his options limited, he spun rapidly and unleashed a rising right foot drive which Gaston had to be smart to gather; the ball was headed for the top right hand corner. Watching Gemmell turn that rapidly is like watching a double decker do a sudden handbrake turn with two wheels off the ground; it must be a terrifying sight for a defender.

Rovers passed and moved a little more, but nothing came of it. Hegarty wasted a free kick in a decent position. Half time came, with the feeling that we had done well to shut Rovers out, as they had dominated.

There were no changes in personnel at half time, and there was some consternation from the officials as Rovers' floodlights feebly tried to come to life. Two of them failed to spark altogether, fizzing and coming on intermittently in the manner of a run down music-halls' neon sign (G*LA *IN*O) leaving two of the corners of the pitch in relative darkness. Certainly, some of the lustre of Rovers' first half display dimmed distinctly in the second, as we imposed ourselves much more on the play. A key attacking outlet for us was Fraser Milligan. The referee's half time Horlicks had obviously disagreed with him, as he enraged the home support by giving a series of niggling freekicks for nothing challenges. Milligan was prominent in these. On a rare occasion where the ref didn't stop play for an imaginary foul, he embarked on a snaking run into the box, eluding three or four Rovers defenders but, maddeningly, his lay off went begging. Benton, Rovers' petulant centre half, and Gemmell engaged in a strange wrestling bout. It was rather like a boxing match where neither antagonist was allowed to punch the other. Eventually, Benton pulled Gemmell over, and they continued their weird shadow bout whilst getting up, until the referee booked them both.

Montrose passed the ball much better in the second half, and the game quickly became a tug of war with neither side gaining much ground. The referee began to irritate the small knot of travelling fans, as well. Montrose broke with Milligan in a promising "man over" position; just as he gathered a pass, the whistling haemorrhoid blew up again, for some non-event of an off the ball incident on the other side of the park. Hegarty's effort streaked over. Battling on, Montrose broke through Stewart; cutting back from the byeline, he picked out Gemmill, who stuck out a telescopic right leg and guided the ball past the exposed Gaston from three yards out, whilst at the same time falling over. Sadly, the big man was offside, and his premature celebrations were greeted with derision from the home fans.

Daryl Nicol and Gordon Pope came on for late cameos, with Nicol looking sharp in the middle of the park. A late effort from someone just crept wide of the Rovers right hand post with Gaston beaten. That was that.

Another goalless stalemate with Rovers, then, with a draw being a fair result this time. This was a much better game than the fetid goulash of inconsequence served up by the teams at Links Park in September. I think we sat off them too much in the first half, and allowed them too much time and space to dictate the game. Further, we were far too reliant (again) on the aimless punt in Gemmell's general direction. But, in the second half, we came right back into the game, passing the ball well and using Milligan to good effect down the right. With a smidgen of good fortune might have sneaked an unjust three points. Harsh as it would have been on the Rovers, I wouldn't have cared- we desperately need to win. A point from Cliftonhill isn't a bad return, and the lads once again tried hard and held their own. With home fixtures for the next fortnight, and with nearly a full squad to choose from, we simply must close out a win in at least one of those games.

Man of the Match: Fraser Milligan for me. He was maybe unlucky not to be man of the match last week, and I felt his ball control, effort and passing merit the award today. There was another blood and snotters showing from "Hegs", too, in the middle of the park, and after a couple of early gremlins, Andy McNeil made a couple of fine stops, and did well with the crosses Rovers dropped on his head.

Crowd: Not much more than about 220, a dozen or so of them from Montrose, including the Leeds posties, last seen at Annan. There in spirit was a spectacularly drunk "mon the mo" who tuned in via live satellite link-up from his holiday, at half time, saying that he wished he was in Coatbridge instead of, er, Sorrento. I was able to reassure the maudlin "Maxi", who was flagging at the end of a gruelling stag night assault course, that he, and not I , was in the right place.